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-[audience laughing] Shh! -[audience] Yes! What an awful way to go. I need more fun in my life.” So just as you’re about to finish, you pull out and come in her eye.

[audience laughing] And if you’re a lesbian, and you didn’t find that funny, well, you’ve proved my point for me.

The last thing they want is you making a joke about their massive cunt grunt.

Last entry to the venue is at 2am and the venue closes at 3am. Most of them seem cribbed from a reddit one-liner thread or something, and many you’ll specifically recognize as either other peoples’ work or so old they’re basically public domain. Geriatric?



“Spaghetti” is, I believe, the term. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. -100% worth it.

I’ve checked, and that one’s fine.

[audience laughing and applauding]

Directed by Sam Wrench. Well, I… Well, happy birthday. [scattered shouting] Who’s not saying ’cause they’re with the person they had the bad sex with? But they're just jokes - they are not the terrible things.

I can’t ask your age ’cause you’re a lady, but, um, how much do you weigh? He had the tray table down. He went… [gasps] “I didn’t recognise you!” I said, “Yeah, you did.” I should really have explained when I walked on, as well, I look like this because my dad is Irish and my mum is Roger Federer. I said, “Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me.

But I suppose, Rack, you have learnt a valuable lesson.

Now, some couples… Are there couples in? “I don’t live in this country”?

Have you thought about blowing something up? Igual me voy a verlo. Southport Theatre and Convention Centre - Southport. [audience gasps]

I was round at theirs, having tea, and they asked, they said, “Well, what can you joke about, and what can’t you joke about? “Jimmy, are you disappointed that instead of being hung like a donkey, you laugh like one?” [audience laughing and applauding] [laughing] I really wish I didn’t laugh at that.

Basic bear safety. The thing that impresses me about doctors is not what should impress me.

I don’t know if you’re aware of them. "Nothing more than wonderful, funny, joyful tricks, constructed from language.". Singular. I’m not gonna take the piss.

Any copyright material mirrored on this site is intended for private personal study. It could’ve been worse. Report this film, standard jimmy carr over-rehearsed shtick, i would have found this whole set hilarious and really ~edgy~ in like 2008 when i was like 14 but it comes across as too try-hard and repetitive nowadays. Other TV hosting duties have included acclaimed quiz shows Distraction and Your Face Or Mine?, as well as Comedy Central's Roast Battle.

You definitely didn’t Google me in China.

I heard a story recently.

And that symbol is a question mark. Cheers.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. [audience laughing] No, you were probably in a hurry. But if a woman sleeps with loads and loads of men, she’s called Rack’s mum. “I was with a girl. Two years later, Carr secured a nomination for the coveted Perrier Award at Edinburgh Festival Fringe for his aptly titled Bare Faced Ambition show. Recommended, if you even like British stand-up comedy.

When’s it due?” And he went, “About nine months.” Fucking legend! What’s your fucking problem?”. It doesn’t get any easier than telling jokes. That's good standup to me. That’s unbelievable. In this sweeping romance, an American woman (Zoe Saldana) loves and loses a Sicilian man she meets in Italy. [audience laughing] Oh, sorry, we’re taping this this evening for Netflix, so I should explain. -[audience] Yes!

So, a long-term, loving relationship. You’re a student.

They put her age after her name.

So I was sat at the back, and I was kind of repressing my laugh. My girlfriend was in the park doing one of those “race for life” things. Famed for his award-winning stand-up and TV presenting roles, comedian Jimmy Carr celebrates an illustrious career spanning across two decades.

Do we have any nurses in? A heckle not involving girlfriends, mothers, or sex. It’s a classic heckle, right?

THE GRAND

You well? [classical music playing] [applauding and cheering] Wow! Go on, what, what… Is it a big birthday? Sir, do you remember earlier when she was a student in this country, studying engineering?

And there’s a name for people that believe in horoscopes. That’s just wrong.

Rest assured, I would never do that because I think it would be disrespectful to the memory of my wife. It’s called an Audi convertible. What’s your name, sir? Now obviously, you don’t have to punch your partner in the back of the head to get that kind of result. But genuinely, I like it when people join in at shows. She’s brainier than Kurt Cobain’s garage ceiling. Feed line, punch line, laugh. So this girl, this 18-year-old girl, pretty little thing, Embarrassing Bodies.

She’s wearing the ring?

No, last year, on my birthday, my girlfriend gave me the bumps, or as they’re more commonly known, genital warts.

[pops lips] You’re right not to, sir. He’s a stud, he’s a player, he’s admired in our society. Someone over there. All the teachers at my school were really strict.

And then you’re hoping when she gets up, she has a cape. Take your chances. And what I wanna know is, who told them? The 26th? That’s a weird thing.

If you give ’em too much of something, and then, “Oh, he’s dead.” No one’s doing an autopsy on a 91-year-old. Jimmy Carr: Funny Business. Your girlfriend’s got two cunts. Intensive care? [audience cheering and applauding] There you go.

Mum!” And then try and… I mean, obviously, it could end in tears.

-It’s her carer.

-I’m an osteopath. Okay.

Thanks, Jesus.” Is that Andreas? Do you care about your patients?

I went to a proper showbiz party recently, and Brad Pitt was there. And I worry about telling that joke, because I worry, “Well, if I were to tell that joke and it were to be misconstrued as genuine misogyny, it could really light the fuse on some bitch’s tampon. And he went, “Eighty-eight miles an hour!” And I said, “I was trying to get back to 1955.” Three fucking points on my licence. It’s where you’ve taken matters into your own hands. I remember now.

Maybe there are none in. Above her hangs a small doll made of chestnuts. They’re like fucking unicorns.

You’re called Rack?

I’ll say to you what I say to all ginger women I meet who are pregnant. No one cares. Email: Register for a See account here to import your Spotify library or ‘follow’ artists you find on our site to add them to your ‘favourites’. Great to learn.

There you go.

They bloody love it! Eye. That a girl’s self-esteem could be that low at that tender age that she feels she needs to go under the knife in order to live up to some idealised version of what she thinks her genitals should look like ’cause she’s seen something online.

It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission. How can we get in touch?” I mean, I get it. [audience laughing] If you only laughed when I said “yet”, you’re a bad person.

So the fireball went round me. I’d give her one!” “Well, she’ll be thrilled. You seem like a lovely fella, but you are punching way above your weight.

So I was looking at some gentlemen’s special interest material recently on the Internet, and this ad popped up for a penis-enlargement cream. A dodgy tax-avoidance scheme got him into trouble too, but it's his comedy that…. This sort of stage on a Saturday night, I imagine Rack’s mum looks like a plasterer’s radio. -What star sign is that? Mobile site. in the United States. And Nick just stopped the show… and went, “All right, Jimmy? Mary, slag.” Daily Mail “Immigrant Teen Mum Benefits Cheat Living in Luxury Shed.” “Have you declared that gold, frankincense and myrrh?” Andreas, you don’t look annoyed. [Jimmy] Pisces.

Whoa!” That “whoa” is a very fun way to end proceedings.

And you find yourself under the moon and the stars on the beach. Jimmy Carr has made a number of film appearances including: By continuing past this page, you agree to our terms of use. Oh, oh… I can… I can smell that in my eyes. ‎Jimmy Carr: Funny Business (2016) directed by Sam Wrench • Reviews, film + cast • Letterboxd

Sorry, mate. That’s key to the operation. You would?

Hey, David.

Compared to that, phrase doesn’t seem as bad now, does it? That’s our classic date night. -Engineering? Because it might “hurt someone’s feelings” or be inappropriate. So, it said, “Liz Hurley, 50.” And my girlfriend turned to me and went, “I hope I look that good when I’m 50.” I said, “You don’t look that good now. Possibly a “ooh”.

-I’m his sister.

I don’t laugh when I come to see your shows.”.

"it is possible to be gluten-free AND shut the fuck up.". Have I missed any? But they're just jokes - they are not the terrible things. And I’m pleased to say it is flying off the shelves.

Christian there?

Genre: Stand Up Comedy Specials (I've Seen) Ranked, I’m in my room alone bored and I will be making a list of every movie that comes to my mind until I get bored with that, www.epix.com/originals/epix-comedy-specials, Netflix España - Todas las peliculas disponibles.

We think of the same funny things to say in life.
Did any other single ladies see him and like the idea?

They don’t mind their partner being in the bathroom while they’re taking nature’s call of a morning. SW11 1TT. You meet very few bisexual men. I’m not made of coat hangers, am I? I say yes, as long as they find the right woman.

You’ve paid your debt, you’ve returned to the scene of the crime.

Starts:

I don’t care who your imaginary friend is. Some adrenaline pumping through your veins. I really feel like we’re in this together now, mate.

An offer just for you, Andreas. Gentlemen, never say “fanny fart”.

-No? -[man] Yeah. So, gentlemen, if you’re swimming with a woman, and you see a shark, here’s what you do. I’m 43 years of age. Let’s find out what other people do. So they cut back to a close-up of her most intimate lady garden, bathing suit area.

We will send you email alerts every time one of your favourite artists goes on tour. Yeah. ", wildly inappropriate but hilarious, jimmy carr is the master of heckling and walking the line of offensive and funny.

About 15 people? This is filth.

Did you read about that?

But you don’t just want the sexual gratification, you also want a frisson of excitement.

I got in trouble for a joke last year. -[women] Whoo!

She was having surgery on her nuni. [audience groans and laughs] Shall I just leave the phrase “glazing your mum like a doughnut” hanging in the air?

And I was wondering why.

It’s not the fact that they can save lives.

-So…

So, we play a game in our house. Now, key thing I was not made aware of, it’s got to be the dog’s ass.

“Hello, my name’s Eric, and we’re going to your house.” “Wind your neck in, Eric. Well, look, why don’t we make it special?

Um… But let’s be realistic. When the world is ravaged by a cataclysmic event, Gus — part deer, part boy — joins a band of humans and animal-children hybrids in search of answers.

Right in the middle of the Pacific, yeah. Is anyone here a Christian? His first paid gig took place after just one unpaid venture a month prior.

That is a boring way of speaking. I saw a woman on the news, in her flooded front room, crying. “My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.

Jimmy Carr is a notorious divider of audiences. -[audience applauding] Are you joking? The good news is you don’t have to listen to the safety announcement. -You’re his sister? Jimmy Carr: Funny Business is at it's worst when it feels rehearsed, and at it's best when Carr is interacting with the audience. “He doesn’t do much.